my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
