Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
It's shark week go big or go home
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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