This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
