4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
