Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
