i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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