Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
