eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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