We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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