So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
zippers are such a cool invention
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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