I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize