Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
