tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
