glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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