Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
