bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize