Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
