I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
