Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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