we're chasing vodka with high fives
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize