So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Randomize
