Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Two words: blizzard sex
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
