i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
