Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
