my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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