Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
