Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
