i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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