I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
