I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
