i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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