i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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