I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
