I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
