Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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