I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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