True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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