she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
