i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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