true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
