I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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