You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
