I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
