Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You're earring is so big in my mouth
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Randomize
