I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
