god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
