You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I did not marry a roomba.
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