Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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