How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize