so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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