I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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