Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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