I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
