the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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