why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
