I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
